Second wedding, same church – bad form or blessed event? | The ‘In’ Box

Dear ‘In’ Box,

Growing up, I always envisioned my wedding would be in the beautiful sanctuary where my family attends church every Sunday. Four years ago I did just that, in a lavish event, but unfortunately it was to a man who turned out to be an abusive alchoholic. We divorced after a year, and a few months after that I met the man I now know is the person I am meant to be with forever. He is honest, supportive and his worse vice seems to be a Fantasy Football obsession.

We are getting married and have decided on a simple, intimate ceremony. I would really like to have the wedding in my home church. My mother, however, says that it is very tacky to do so, especially in such a relatively short time since I was first married there.

She suggested we have a destination wedding at a beach resort, which she says is more appropriate for “second weddings” (it’s my fiancee’s first time.) A destination wedding really takes the planning, financial commitment and other details to a place my fiancee and me didn’t want to take things, but it does sound fun in a way.

What do you think?

We are paying for everything ourselves, so it’s not a matter of pleasing my mother so she’ll help financially or anything like that. I just want a second opinion on what is acceptable.

Signed,

Deja Vu

Dear DV,

For Pete’s sake. Nothing’s tackier than a destination wedding, with barefoot brides and “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” on ukelele. The beach setting may seem romantic in brochures, but such ceremonies have become so formulaic and cliche you might as well just go to Vegas if you just want to get it over with.

It sounds like you consider your vows a little more sacred than that, though. And you also seem a little more pragmatic than someone who wants to fly the whole circus – and even small weddings inevitably become circuses – to a wet sandy spot far from home.

You should accept, however, that your mother likely won’t be the only for whom watching you get married in the same place won’t seem like a rerun. She’s probably not the only person who is going to make snarky comments about a second wedding at the same church (especially if the first one really was a spectacle.) Friends and family who consider divorce taboo may actually see it as offensive – in fact, depending on your religion/denomination, you should probably see if you may be married in the same church again.

There will be people, though, who recognize that you wanted this particular setting because it is a place where you feel close to God, and that’s what makes it the right place for the pledges you’re going to make to your betrothed. If that really is how you feel, don’t sweat the haters.

If you really want a simple but spiritual setting, you might see if there is a chapel on site at your church. They’re often used by people who want smaller affairs (including many “second weddings.”) It probably has a similar aesthetic to the larger sanctuary, too. (Although I hope the decor is not your motivation for where you are holding your wedding.)

P.S.  You mention your folks aren’t paying for this wedding, but I’ll bet they paid for the first one, and there might be some resentment from your mother, even if it is subconscious. That may be why she isn’t eager for this wedding to be so familiar to the first.

P.S.S. I wouldn’t underestimate the Fantasy Football obsession. :) But good for you for getting rid of a drunken louse.

A friend recently offered me two tickets to a high-roller fundraising event, and I used the invitation as an opportunity to ask out my cute, new neighbor. She was excited, as it’s a real social event of the season kind of thing. My friend’s in-laws, however, are now coming to town and so he needs the tickets back so they can go with he and his wife, which is fine with me.

I was wondering if I am expected to take my date to a comparable evening, as in, should I spend the same amount as the tickets would have cost? It would be a little extravagant on my budget.

Signed,

Modest Means

Dear MM,

No, you are not obligated to spend an amount equal to the ticket cost. It’s safe to presume the woman was interested in spending an evening with you, not on a date with a cash value of X amount of dollars. Like any date, though, you are expected to make some sort of effort to make the evening fun/romantic, so plan something good even if it’s something a little more meager. (If she resides in the same neighborhood or building as you, she’s probably already aware of your financial status.)

Of course, if you asked her to such an event in an effort to misrepresent your level of wealth, you may have screwed yourself.

Also, don’t chicken out and wait until you two embark for your date to break the news – a woman’s preparations for a “social event of the season” can be major. Not that you aren’t worth getting dressed up for, too, but most first dates don’t require the same wardrobe, hair and other dressings that such an event call for, which can be costly. She might be disappointed about the change in plans anyway, but that doesn’t mean she won’t want to spend a different kind of evening with you. See this dilemma as a good opportunity to find out her motives for accepting the invitation in the first place. You’ll quickly be able to gauge if she really want to see how things could go with you – or just if she could make it up the social ladder.

I met a smart, sexy Spaniard in my physics class, and our attraction was instant. He basically said he would love to have a friends-with-benefits relationship with me because he has a girlfriend back home. Even if he didn’t have a girlfriend, I don’t think I would want things to be much more than physical, as I’m really busy finishing school, plus there’s the language barrier, plus he smells, well, European. I do, however, feel a little guilty about being the other woman. (They only dated three months before he moved to the United States, and it’ll be at least a year’s separation before they see each other again)

What do you think?

Signed,

Spanish Fever

Dear SF,

Your rationalization is well-founded … let’s see … they dated a few months before before he moved to another continent for a year, and not long later he’s making friends-with-benefits. That relationship doesn’t have long-lasting written over it.

So if it’s the ‘Other Woman’ guilt that’s got you, you shouldn’t feel too bad. In fact, your lothario doesn’t sound like much of a boyfriend, so make sure what you truly want is just a physical thing. And if you do, you should limit it to the benefits and maybe forego any friend connection. Cultivating a friendship with a guy like this will truly complicate things; you have to be prepared to be just another stamp in his passport, and he in yours.

Also, make your country proud: make sure you don’t end up with some Spanish strain of an STD.

The first sentence of your letter reads like an intro to the monthly ‘romantic fiction” in Cosmopolitan magazine, BTW.

The ‘In’ Box is an advice column written by Lucy Brown of Fayetteville. Please submit your own questions at theinbox@ozarksunbound.com. Anonymity guaranteed.

SIMILAR POSTS

• Looking online instead of in bed and iPhone captures intimate moments | The IN Box at 3:57 pm on February 25, 2010
• Fidel Castro retired for two years and an evening of chamber music | OU Daily Crier, Feb. 24, 2010 at 2:02 pm on February 24, 2010
• To dump or not to dump: Kids are a dating deal-breaker | The IN Box at 9:30 pm on February 14, 2010
• How much is too much to spend on an ailing pet? | The ‘In’ Box at 12:51 pm on March 5, 2010
• 30 Rock Tries to Make Sense of Love in Penultimate Episode | Bethany’s Cultural Critique at 2:24 am on May 18, 2010