Your boyfriend is an ass

Q: I recently caught my boyfriend sleeping with one of my friends. I impulsively dropped by his apartment on my way home from martini night with my best girlfriends and he was in bed with my “friend” who was wearing nothing but his t-shirt. This is the fourth relationship I’ve had that’s ended because I was cheated on. I’m starting to think I’m cursed but I know there’s got to be a more logical explanation. Help- what am I doing wrong here? Are there just no good men left in the world?

A: Well there’s definitely a more logical explanation than voodoo because I’m pretty sure there’s no reason for Aunt Mawkin’-Buhd to have it out for your love life. Cursed is highly unlikely, but a reasonable assumption since this is definitely a frustrating trend. I want you to consider the 80/20 rule, otherwise known as the Pareto principle… 80% of effects are attributable to 20% of causes.

Simply put: when you put the greatest amount of effort into the right place, you’ll enjoy the rewards. If you spend your time worrying about every small part of a relationship, you’re pouring negativity into it thus creating more things to worry about. If you step outside of your head and just remain open to whatever comes, you’re creating the environment for a happier, healthier relationship.

Now I can’t say that your actions influenced his, it really sounds like your ex was just a giant donkey, or better yet, an ass. (hee-haw!!) That’s where the great love philosopher Tyler Perry comes in, though. (Don’t laugh until you read his plays- that man knows his stuff.) He’s said a man can have a partner who fulfills 80% of his needs, but he’ll find someone else to make up the remaining 20%. The end result of course, is that when 80% finds out about 20%, dude’s left just with 20% searching for his 80%, or with 0% depending on how everything goes down.

Make sense? Ok, good.

Your donkey was happy with you, content with spending six months dating you, and that made you happy, hopeful for more good times… a totally natural response. For some reason, he went looking for someone else, which is where your “friend” came in. Obviously they didn’t last very long after the jig was up, so now he’s left with 0% and when he starts reminiscing about good times, you’re the girl that comes to mind. It’s a beautifully karmic thing, but doesn’t help you out much unless you’re into revenge… in which case stop it- its silly stuff that causes heartburn and wrinkles. Just ask Aunt Mawkin’-Buhd.

But really, why did he cheat? Isn’t that the age-old question? Was the problem with him? Did you do something wrong? That’s the point when you honestly reflect about the relationship… have some one-on-one real talk with yourself. Consider where you were putting your energy and you’re likely to find that you did have an impact on the outcome. Am I saying you should blame yourself for your partner’s infidelity? Not a bit. I’m saying that every failing relationship fails for a reason, and most of the time we realize that reason entirely too late. If this is a reoccurring problem, you need to look honestly at the people you’re involving yourself with and what role you’re taking in that relationship. (Doormats aren’t sexy, but no man enjoys being walked over either.) Figure out where and to whom your time should be devoted, then put on your sassy pants and go find you a dude that’s worth your time.

Send your queries to Heather at hgerlaugh@ozarksunbound.com

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